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Finnally the last grade is In
Results

PhI 490 Philosophy Senior Seminar

4.0

PhI 344 20th centuary Philosophy

4.0

Phi 244 Medieval Philosophy

4.0

Art History

3.0 =(

lol

3 A's and a B
not terrible...
however, Art History was the easiest of my four classes...

...that there is a heart here in this my body of mine
that beats to the rythem of a this life.

That my blood flows through vains and to my eyes...
That I can see and sense

When you stomp on me as if I am not anyone, you stomp on my heart.
To let you know what you have done to me; Imagine erasing your memory; everything you ever lived for . Every dream you ever had; imagine forgetting the names of all those who are important. Imagine, seeing your mother and not knowing you know her.

This is what you have done to me.

I was just a boy and you made me nobody
I was nice, I thought you were divine; I used to like you.

Flippen Girls

Why are so many girls talented at not saying what they mean

Yet
they mean everything they say...

they speak in code and get pissed when nobody understands them.

I used to be the nice guy
I used to be sympathetic

but I played their games too often

it is their own fault.
Why don't they wake up from that fucking dream of theirs

life is so much simpilar.
Deal with life;
the real life.

Yester... final and small paper = good
today... big paper =mediocre
tommorow... big paper = bad
thursday... neglected art history work = terrible.

Two days left... 48 hours of tantric hell

Maybe I am the one.

i sit vacantly; I admire that abdominal pain; that ache. That Gut wrenching thirst that spews out from the source and spreads about the mind like water. In the air is a facade, held high and suspended without judgment. It was bracketed. Yet I know that facades can be quite endearing; I know that marble can be carved into ancient dreams; I know that answers appear to form only to dissapate and crumble like our friend dorypherous. Poor fellow is he who believed to know the solution. Poor fellow is he who exists at all. It is troublesome that people are coerced into living; breathing. A fear of death, a fear of pain; there is a fear of the terminous that keeps us alive; and yet we know we can only make it so far before dasien leaves our body and is inaccessible to this world. And yet, their is those of us among us who can't stand the pain of life. Through estimation they assume that dasien cannot be any more tortured in any state. They like a wholly man take a leap of faith into death.

The weather has a nact for personofying my day

behind my eyes is a fountain.
I blink in swishing water, you can feel the moist thundery percipitation.
I dream of dreams. I know what I am suppose to believe... but If I don't believe that, how am I supposed to know that I am supposed to believe anything?

Everyone is stubborn. World views are like concreted driveways; anyone who has replaced a concrete driveway knows exactly what I mean. It takes a ton of work to crack a drive way into pieces... and even more work to pick up all the pieces and haul it off... further, it does no good to simply remove your world view, another one has to take its place. That old cement sits in the corner of our minds stubbornly... we know its cracked but we ignore it.

We pretend it has no cracks because it has a degree of utility... but we aren't fooling anyone. We know its cracked.

why isn't the Art history Assignments POSTED!

I was intending to go to MIA today... but i couldn't get the assignments ... bleh.
Now I know what I am doing on thursday when I should be preparing for my 45 minute presentation.

When i look I see... but I don't see what you would expect... I see the shape I see the intent... Then I see my own dillusion.

One could imagine a sexually interested man trying to undress a naked girl with his eyes, only to realize that the girl is naked and thus undressed; perplexed he scrambles for certainty in his discontent and uses his eyes to redress the girl. But the girl is naked for him intentfully; it is a shocking humility for him to realize the girl knows his bestiality to the point where he yearns for nothing more then it to be false.

There is something we assume intimate to ourself... not just in sex; but in all desire... and really all cognition... and yet, what we think, vs what we think about is striking. What is worse is when we think about what we think about. There is a disconnectedness with the throbbing authenticity that we desire... the freedom that literature has created, the reality is not the excitement, the hype. It is constant perplexity; it is perplexity when things happen as imagined and when thinks don't happen as imagined. One cannot cope with the literal reinactment of his dreams.

And yet it is not the fault of his naked mistress that he has reached such a dillema; though she has a dillema of her own, a certain risk; her fiesty boldness... that animal drive; the guess of what is in his mind; and yet she almost has it nitched to certitude. Little does she know it is all perfect; too perfect. As if the Man is driven to a state of imperfection; that he cannot handle the virtue.

seriously... I am distracted. I have too much homework to do... And I would rather be doing other things... sigh

I am pissed off...

For someone who can not see that there is an existence of a god, I am more morally christian than many people who do believe in the christian God.

Morals do not need to be founded in divine doctrine; they ultimately are pregmatic to the individual...

But if you are so short cited as to see that moral obligation doesn't bennifet you some how with or with out god then I hope you do take the bible as truth... despite the absurdity of the narrative...

Don't think you have the answer, their are always an infinite of alternatives. My answers will always be in flux. 2+2 doesn' =4
2+2 = 1+1+1+1
you might say well both of those are equal... and yet they have a specific use at specific times... in fact 2+2= an infinite amount of things... and you can't verify them all... but 2+2=4 and it doesn't =4... fuck you law of non-contradiction.

perhaps im being fissiperous here...
but as soon as you camp your feet in religion you ultimatley close off a section of the web of your belief...
you might not think so but its ther...
utltimatley I have this same problem, and Because of that problem I can see it. Just something sounds self-defeating or hypocritical does not mean it is false...

I am the lightbulb gone out
watching raging wind that fell to silence.
I become the sound of rain drops without any clouds
like the baby my mother never had.
I am a dream you never dreamed.

I am the howl without the wolf
echoing into the moonful strata.
I dream about the thing we call nothing
like blankness without its slate
I am aimless and yet hoplessly hopeful.

I have a couple weeks of crap flying at me and then it is over...
I have no motivation
I just have too much...

Papers on
Citizenship responsibility
Count Giovanni Pico Della Marandola
St. Thomas Aquinas
Nicholas of Cusa
Then bigger Paper on Pico
Boethius
St. Augustine...

Im just overwhelmed.

Now its nice outside...
Such cruelty!

well today is something sunny; I hope that means something good.
I got to get my mind on track...
two weeks of classes left and then finals. I need to get serious...
but gosh the weather is starting to get nice...
the weather sits out there and taunts me.
I can picture a personofied sun smiling at me through thelibrary windows
And yet i know i can't leave... not for the good of grades.
If only there were a way of doing the last part ofspring semester first, then I might ofbeen allright.

Its time to leave... The sun wants me to leave... myheartleft long ago... so against my will I stayout of necescity.

I keep waiting for someone to know me.
Yet I know they can only know about me.
Noone can know me.

Noone can understand the person I am, everyone has some image of me... partial truhs at best.

Will anyone ever want to know me?

today is going to be hell. It is dreary and raining. I got zero minutes of sleep. My homework is over whelming. My family might loose the house. I have 3 classes... and no alacrity. Does anyone know what its like to think about homework, and paper writing when you don't even know if you really have a home anymore?

I think it sucks. Then again I am a horrible person. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe.

One of these days people will se what I am doing, they will understand.
But for now I am myself. Alone and selfish, determined and free.

Fuck life and all these selfish people.
what claim should the bank have to mortgaged property?
sigh

i have no clue what I am supposed to be writing about giovanni pico della marandola...

the problem is this.

people our age have been too currupted. Atleast when we were naive we thought we were being objectivie. Well some of us still think that way.What occurs wh you are aware of the subjectivity...

everyone can do nothing right
the world is seen through these eyes of mine
this world is being seen through these eyes of yours...

our eyes are not the same... thus, either is the world.

so,we might end up losing our house.
Apparently, two years ago when we bought the house we had a terms agreement that said we have to refinance our house in two years.

Well two years has gone by, our mortgage payments have all been made.
The problem is this.

Because of the housing market, despite all the improvements we have made to the house, our house is not worth as much as it was when we bought it.

We have to refinance our house, but no bank is willing to give us a loan for as much as we bought the house for because the house isn't worth that much anymore.Unless we can find a bank to give us a mortgage for how much we bought it for and not for how much its worth we have until the end of the month to pay off the house in full... which isn'thappening.

I have to do a presentation in a little while.
I am denying that there is a common good.
everyone is just a bunch of selfish bastards...

I don't say that lightly... everything you ever intended was meant to make your life better despite the consequences.

You only consider the consequences when you know it could make your life worse...

thus everything you have ever intended was selfish.

Be a narcisit all you want... but it is not true that all people desire the same things as you do. It is not true that the things you find good are common with anyone. you are particular...

But in particular your self-ish.
even your niceness and altruism is for your own ends...

F Sht

The thing called Love is embedded in the individual and not among multiple individuals. Rather, it is about individuals. In fact, it is the aboutness that the thing called love manifests itself in.

For any one thing you have called love, the questions why do you love and what about the thing do you love are necessarily begged.

I thought I loved her because of her intelligence, her beauty and her cheery personality... but then I realized what I loved was intelligence, beauty and cheery personalities and not her. What is more telling is that, when I came to not have anymore emotional attachment for her, I realized it was because I questioned whether she was that smart, whether she was that beautiful, or whether her personality was actually cheery. That getting over her is exactly the opposite prospects of creating this thing called love.

It seems to be within the capacity of an individual to justify their relationships by identifying qualities in which appeal to themselves. Thus, when we ask why I loved her, or what I loved about her, I am presupposing natural justifications for a relationship when in fact a relationship might utterly be unjustifiable in a rational sense. And yet, it is not without reason; but if the reason is caused irrationally or intuitively then it is insufficient to rationalize any word or definition about the thing we label love. But this does not mean the reason is necessarily a good reason, a loving reason, or a justifiable reason. It is simply the causes of mutual interest that are above or perhaps are below the artificial justifications of qualities. Thus, many people are prone to engage in social relations with other people, many people are prone to commitment with other people and people are prone to engage in sexual activity with other people; but none of this can be justified; it simply occurs out of instinct and particularity of encumbered individuals. Thus, it is false to think it needs to be justified and that it needs to be called love for without the word love it remains whatever it is insofar as it is a phenomenon that occurs.

... everything will be as it will; and I will accept it as it comes.

Oppurtunity shall only stare at me in the face when it is really oppurtunity and not her mirror image because Oppurtunity left unactualized never really was oppurtune.

I.I can't stand living at home anymore; I wish i could afford to move out.

A. I feel like a tremendous burden to my mother and those others who help and support me in my family (everyone who is not my dad).
- I don't pay rent
- I don't buy any of the groceries (some of the venison is mine though)
- I don't pay for many hunting expenses (I try to when I can)
- I don't pay my own cell phone bill

B. I can not stand living with my dad;
-the world always owes him something
-he is selfish
-he is stubborn
-he hasn't had a job ever since Ive been born
-he is overly demanding
-he is a hypocrite
-he is also tremendously ignorant and dillusional as well as ignorant about his dillusionality.

c. My living situation combined with my travel situation compromise my confidence in a real relationship with a girl.
- I don't drive
- I live quite aways from the girls I meet at school.
- I'd feel guilty to have them drive to me
- I would never be able to afford gas to see them even if i could drive.
- My father in kniving and I would not want a sig fig of mine to have to deal with his bullshit everytime she came to see me
- To have a sustained relationship I simply need to be able to live in a more conveniantly located place.

d. Im In no position to move out.
- I can't afford an appartment.
- Though some of the meat in the freezer is mine i can't afford food expenses
- My travels would be bus limited because I still have no licenseture to drive

II. I hate the fact that I am single

a. I have no one to talk to.
-stuff builds up in my head and then I explode like i did last night; there is no release.
-There is stuff I want to talk about that im not comfortable talking to people about.
-Noone in my family cares about philosophy, in fact they despise it; secretley they hate me for it. I need someone to talk about both personal things and philosophical things.

b. i feel so alone
-I always come home and it makes it feel like the day is done; I am home before five but already i have no hopes for doing anything interesting the rest of the evening.
-I have no hope that anybody really knows anything about me; I'm like smorgus board of different identities to different people, I don't even know who the real me is.
- there are times while out in the woulds I feel like I could fall off the cliff and nobody except my family would ever know it.

c. I want to eventually have a family
- financial issues aside, i think I would be a great father.
- Kids, though very money and time consuming have so much more potentiality then we do.
- I have maintained the romantic conception of growing old with a girl; a lady who has been there for me for an acceptleble amount of the time; a lady who had given birth to my children.

III. I resent the fact that Philosophy and History will get me diddly squat in life.

-there is little money in either field
-nobody seems to really care about either one
-they both acedemically sterilize me; an make me unfun


There are more reasons, but I am out of time... Thus. I hate my life

let us consider the film Zeitgeist
It is absurd in its conspiracy theories... and I doubt that all the evidence provided in the movie is legitimate... I doubt that the theories are really true or even wholistically defendable...

but it is a very compelling film because of the facts that it does capture...

a couple of factuals i see expressed in Zeitgeist

------------------------------------------------------------------------
*there is nothing truly unique to christianity and the story of christ.

*Americans are Increasingly blinded as they turn into mass media and other indulgences

*education in America is difficult, sub-par and ineffective.

*Globalization is a real thing whether or not it occurs because of the federal reserve.

Im probably going to end up getting murdered sometime in my life; certain people do not like to here what I got to say...

it is ironic that our formitive principles seep to us from the unformed.
it is ironic that our division is intentional...

you have to realize; the best form of patriotism we can offer is against our government and for the people; not the government rule...

Americans need to shut themselves away from desensitization...

stop watching tv
stop getting drunk
stop going to concerts
stop thinking love and religion mean anything

there is truly something more pressing we need to consider besides your self

In the words of Marx; it is opium of the people. your not seeing the reel problem... the world is in serious trouble. ANd it is increasingly out of hand.

You can't know what I mean until you can see the truths of globalization for yourself...

Imagine that every country becomes america; imagine the whole world united where the rich rule over all...

Is this not the result of globalization?

A really divided world is better then a unified world with artificial divisions... let us consider the truth that we wat to have identity
and that is exactly what Americans have lost.

I will most certainly be killed one day; I can't keep my mouth shut; i don't believe in our governmental system... infact, constitutional monarchy would be better then what we have now... except american culture would make brad pitt King,

Stop watching tv
don't get drunk
don't waste money here and there...

stop living so blindedly; we stand before a mountain and you cannot see it... please stop what ever you are doing and open your eyes...

See that it is time for extreme change.

you are selfish...
everything you do is for yourself, even if it is for someone else

you are ugly because you are human and by nature flawed like everyone else.

there is nothing speacial about you.

To want to be speacial is another one of your selfish endeavors.

Unique and speacial are not synomonous; and you are hardly more unique then your spatial/temporal occupation.

your life will always suck ass.

most people do not understand that I have a huge inferiority complex... for some reason everyone is surprised to find that out, why is that? do I really look confident?

I am again without a fully functioning phone... this time the lcd screen just arbitrarily stopped working...

my freedom of choice ceased existing when I began to exist...

I never chose to exist; and now i fear not existing... but that I perpetuate my life isn't something I choose; rather it is a necessity I must inact on because it is the good that has been presented to me...

I know what pain is... I know what fear is...
i know what anxiety is...

those things are indeed real, but I never choose those things... they simply occur out of this perpetuation. It is an attribute I must contend with if; the part of the whole that uses me where in as much as I use it...

i might apply to grad school by default ...

when it comes down to it; im not going to be happy as a working person... atleast when you do work for school you feel like you are actually making progress within yourself...

when I feel like I understand something a little better then i did before I know that noone can take that away from me; my job on the other hand, can be taken from... my money can be taken from...

what good is it to invest my life in these transient things?
and yet... i really on these things ... even if I did intend to go to grad school... all and all, I am hopeless...

I am an out cast... I do not belong in this setting... Americanis, has not left me a welcome mat... my uncle sam has never sent me an invite... what am I suppose to do?

i am running out of sense...

I want to go to the dream theater concert... but im not sure a) if I should spend my money b) who will go with me c) how I'd get there...

not a lot of people are fascinated by progressive metal...
Also, I have heard that the Myth isn't the best of venues... usually dream theater plays at the State theater... hmm

... sigh

another day...
I can't stand the frustration.

the angst out there... and in me... such combatibility and yet such combat...

missles and warheads like hugs and kisses...

destroying our likness in order to like

I don't understand it.

I get tired of having to trudge through mud...
but the main thing is I don't like what it entails
it gets warmer...
eskimo jackets are put away...
things become more revealing...
I over hear party discussions and discussions of who the "panty droppers" are... and sure this shit happens all the time... but spring seems notorious for it... probably why there are so many november and december birthdays...

Already I see girls wearing short skirts... it just makes them seem like they are a little eager to get out of their clothes... Im sure a lot of guys are loving it... but im not sure I could like someone who is that eager to undress...

I dunno... Im dissenchanted... why should a person go out of their way to impress others? What does beauty have to do with anyhing besides sex apeal? How bad is it that some people can only feel good about themselves if they think they look "sexy" to others?

Anyone who thinks they ought to look different then they do is clearly hollow; and clearly lost in sensuality... they are casualties to unrealistic ideals... which are rediculous in the first part...

this whole culture has gone to hell... everything is about sexuality... everything has become pornographic... its in our entertainment... in our media... in our stores... Just watch how people act... they are always trying to get at something other then what it is they are talking about. I can't handle this absurd sensationalism anymore... its rediculous...

looks are basically irreleveant...
... but its not just the sensation of sight ...
what about sound?
Everything odd is becoming normal... music with screaming vocals; music with angelic vocals... and yet there it is... over and over again... no body fucking cares!

People are angry... I get it...
you have relationship problems... I get it

No body fucking cares!

How dare they call these people musical genius's... they are really dumb and angsty... they are better at marketing to pop culture then being musical...

Beethoven and Mozart were musical genius's...

not Michael Jackson...

there is something wrong with the state of things... and nobody fucking cares..

I hate it...

Go get drunk... go have sex... go get high... go listen to shitty music... go watch absurd cartoons ... go fuck up your life... then go die in a hole while the constant agitation of conformity bounces of your shoulders... all because you can't stand up for yourself... you can't believe in yourself...

I can't stand up for myself
I don't believe in myself...

A whole culture devoted to running me down until I give in to its demands...

... I watch my life happen so much, I wish I could just work up some nerve...
There are lot of smart and beautiful girls out there...

one of them is bound to accidently have that rare recessive mutation that likes whatever the heck I am... =(

Happy Easter Jesus...

When I look up to the sky, the clouds, the sun, the deep cosmos, the shades of blues grays blacks and bright lights of fullness and the dark hollow emptiness... the large spatial nothingness that infinite and yet the confined; it is almost as if I am staring at myself... a reflection of the potentiality, the actualizations; the limited and unlimited... the possible and the impossible...

They tell me there is a God who says he is who is; who made us in the image and likeness of himself; From here stairing up at the omnipresent me, I can almost see what the mean, but then I realize its just me. How dare I invoke the wholeness of myself; how dare I invoke the innability to escape myself; for what I call escape is still incarcerated; but this incarceration has somehow escaped... if all that is some how wasn't, then i must know who being escaped non-being and how the incarceration of being is different then the incarceration of non-being; if all that is has always been, then I must learn to forget the problem of infinites regression, or perhaps restate it as an answer and not a problem.

Today my heart is cold and it is snowing... the spring of my mind has receded to the lower portions of my abdomen agitating my body by gurgling and reminding me of spring indulgences; food, alcohal and sex. Typical.

The coldest of all people always search for a reason why when the warmest of all people enact on there simple desires; but is it a fault of a man himself to not have any dreams; despite his miscilaneous fantacies he realizes the shortcomings in all dreams fulffiled; even in the dream of no shortcomings.

I do realize that food alchohal and sex are only short term solutions; they are horrible attempts at escape... escape from hunger, escape from social deprivation and emotion, and an escape from humanity and return to human bestiality respectively. With food and sex there seems to me a natural drive; an impulse; people are helpless in the face of hunger and sexual tension; is this not why fasting and a vow of celebacy sounds so unimaginable to the secular faction? But; i have no drive towards alchohal, i tried it at a party before... 20 maybe 30 other people were there, all drinking and having a good time... i stopped immidiatley, not for fear but for vast realization of the degeneration of common sense around me... girls hitting on me; such humility and yet they were immune... they were powerless to there own self-subjectcations... the made themselves sex objects and they were fine with it. For me it was a turnoff... Im sure some guy fucked them that night though...

But if it wasn't making themself a sex object it was something else... they made themselves the object of humility, the object of scrutiny... all the girls in particular became objects... not through my eyes, but through there own... the guys were much the same; they were playing roles they were expected to play... it was virtual stereotypes plaguing the party. I had only tried it on a whim and because everyone thinks im absurd for not wanting to drink... but it might be better have had that experience well over a year agon now... because looking back on it my cold heart had become stone. Now i see that I am better then drinking. I can see that there is no benifet to drinking; people are fully capable of constructive socialization whithout the crutch of alchohal that inevitably hinders there life...

I see i have no vice to blame for my mistakes and I am better in that i don't have to blame an empty bottle for the things that happen at a party...

when I look to the skies I see the infinite me... who has the infinite capacity to be what iam and to realize what is simply not me. I can see things as self evidently bad whereas people se their vices as a value social gain.... And yet in this I am limited... I am anxious and undeserveing... reserved and yet reserving... I see my many potentials; I could, I would, I should... the many what ifs transgressing the hysteria of what is.... and i look at these actuals and I realize I am who am... words once reserved for God, I reserve for myself. Not because I think I am divine, but because I realize myself in this way. I don't really know who the word "I" refers to but I know something is, and that something I refer to as myself... and the stars and the cosmos, they all must be seen through my eyes for them to be real to me. I am who am.

omg it was halarious, Elisia and I were debating evolution vs. creationism and a freewill verse determiniatioon... and Genetics... and many things... in the coffee shop

Proffesor Fuhrer was eaves dropping on us while we debated.I noticed it during the first part but Elisia says he just moved to the corner... then today when we went to his class he used all of our examples in the lecture on St. Thomas Aquinas and completely took her side... I could tell he was directing the entire lecture at us... it was so funny.
Im pretty sure he hopes I convert...

I mean, Saint thomas was brilliant But I do have some problems with some things....

Im sorry but the world is probably more then 10,000 years old... I know that carbon dating can be off and wide spread but common...
How do you know their should be more stars decaying then what is? How do you know that there isn't more stars decaying...

why would a flood be more probable then volcanos to explain that huge sutty layer in montana... and why would that change how long ago it was?

Why would we know that creation had taken 7 days if there was no one to count the days before Adam and Eve...

Are humans really the most important Animal or is that just our prefference? I wish I could debate that further with her. I didn't know people still took the bible completely literally... I feel foolish that I didn't know that...

2 of my three classes canceled to day, next wing is spring break... I should really do my paper this week... I should really make it spiffy...

Is this the antitheses of the fissiperous myth of syphasus?

The philosophy chair; Doctor Fuehrer invited me to go for departmental honors...

Im kind of shocked... I am such a horrible student...
It would invovle a humungo paper next year and an intense presentation and defense of it.

But because of my lack luster GPA that sure would look great on a Grad School Application if I were to find it desirable to go. hmm

... that sure makes a guy feel safe doesn't it.
Ofcourse, I am assuming most girls with Std's are not the same girls that I would go out with anyways... and who knows; maybe 20 and 21 year olds are enexplicably less? eh probably not... Damn people and their absurd movement to adolescent sexuality... not that you can blame them; entertainment is becoming more sexually absurd...

as Boethius says, you are what you know; as Proffesor Mark Fuehrer said, if your entertainment is pornographic you become pornographic...

But this is true for many things... If your entertainment is stupid humor, you will develop a really stupid sense of humor...

if your entertainment is educational, it is not surprising to see a correlation towards becoming educated...

If this formitive principle is correct, then anyone who actually believes in virtues and morality ought to find a way to sell education over sex...

what is sad is it probably cannot happen... as if to say the Bestial nature in man has begun taking control over the intellect of the man... Perhaps it is a rebellion against humanity, that the animality in all of us wishes to some extent subcum to it; those of us who are able to repress that significant part of us remain perplexed as to why the rest of the world is so screwed up when really we are smart enough to know that we aren't any happier then they are...

I could picture Boethius pleading that it is unjust for a world to exist where the virtuous are equivicated with the debaucherous; but if you actually believe in god you must trust his divine providence; only would know what is Just... only he could know what ought to be. But, even if Christ was divine, we still cannot assume we know the intention of God... Jesus could have been sent to decieve us further... Constantly I see theology students appeal to the mysteries of god and life, and then they appeal to the nature of god as if they actually would know anything about it... its rediculously inconsistant... either god is not mysterious, or you know something about god; you really can't have it both ways...

there is an easy solution and It lies in your mind; not in your actions.
If you are psychologically miserable, it is simply because you are thinking about reality wrongly... you are decieving yourself. Life is how it is regardless of how you think of it; so why must you shove such a grim outlook down your own throat... If you could rap you mind around it you would know its true. There is something there that pertains most specifically to you that are avoiding because of the solipsism of your own emotions. You must act as if the world outside you is real, even if it isn't real; you must act if you are along for a ride and not walking a path because if you are walking a path you are deciding where you turn, but you don't... If you can ever make a desision, then you know you had already been predisposed to one option over the other, and tha is not your fault... so take in the ride with gleaming eyes, take pictures... have memories and fun... realize all people are just people... the grass is never greener from here to there and yet your grass is just a brown as everyone elses...

... You always here people say; there must be more to life then this...

does this make a difference... well yes... in morale, in action, in intent...
If I concede that this is all I have, I am freed from the responsibility of a thereafter; but I am also damned to pure temporality.

If I concede there is more to life then this; then I spend my life looking to the clouds... I spend my life in constant dreams of paradise and 40 virgins... (well, the word vigins could be a mis interpretation because the same word also means like white grapes or something) ... i mean, how about paradise with 40 white grapes...

Ofcourse; christianity might find it to be a sin to dream of 40 white grapes... such indulgence... troubling my mind with many things but not the "one thing that matters"... well thats the advise you get from god when you are having him over for dinner anyways...


It will be interesting to see if there is ever resolution to this seemingly unkowable dillema... oh wait... If I was truly curious about my eternality I could Kill my self and find out empiracly what happens... but, Id rather let nature kill me instead... figure Im dieing already; a might as well fuck around this place for a while, polk and prode in the confines of this goofy life...

I obviously can't prove anything but its worth discussion.

Theory one: Life from non-living matter.

This thesis troubles me; if life can be created from the right mix of wind soil and energy it is bazaar that radically new life forms don't emerge. Also, how feasible is it that non-living material can accedentally cause something that becomes intentful or something that reproduces and develops a yearning for reproduction? Of the theories, I accept this one the least; though it is supported by the fact that evolution suggests all life may come from some common orgin; thus all life may have originated from the same freak accident; but that is hard to swollow that material can be manipulated in such a way; also, if non-living mater has developed our beeing isn't it strange that we are very much surpressed by a certain life expectancy? The common and inevitble rise and decline of the human body despite a variety of conditions seems unlikely for in essesnce we are still the nonliving things we once were not; why would it be that conciousness is a fleeting thing when the material us is here; how can material and physical entities create conciousness; a non spatial entitie?

Theory Two: God

There is a wide variety of ways at looking at theories of divinity; in one sense it explains everything... and it is very compelling to believe that all things must have been created because of our very limited knowledge and exposure to the secrets of the universe. However, I do believe in theory of evolution; Humans and animals share too much in common, it is hard to fathom us not being distant causins from times long forgotten. Thus if there is a god, it likely would not have created us as humans, or morally discerning creatures. If god is omnipotent and predetermine destiny god could have used evolution as the method to create us... but it is questionable whether or not human beings are really any better then the animals; also, why would a hundred million year digression of thriving dinasour life be necesary to create human life? With the promise of god comes the promise of eternality; because living creatures are plagued by and fear death I wouldn't doubt that even some animals believe in a god that resembles themselves... with that said; it is inconsievable that anyone could know anything about god or if god exists. Even if Jesus Christ was divine, noone could know his true intent... his preachings could easily misguide us intentionally... but, it is also hard believe of such divinity in our flesh; even if his miracles are true, similar stories come from mystics like Rasputin... The story of Jesus is not a particularly unique story, rather an influential story. As much as I prefer to believe in this; i can't get myself to accept it.

Theory 3: Extraterrestial Origins

Of the theories I know, this origin seems the most credible. If some form of life existed on a meteiroite that hit the earth, this would explain the genetic commonalities in all forms of life, it also explains why the history of our ogranisms was such of that in which yearns to live. It allows us to consider evolution; it allows us to explain why all live started in the oceans (according to evolution)... Ofcourse this doese not actually answer the question of how life began for if that life started how did that life start? But what seems possible by saying all life has extraterrestial begginings is that there may be a very emiracle explanation in the universe somewhere but us as the childern far removed from that set of circumstances can never know what those circumstances are... it shows us that the cartesian doubt may be because the evidence we need is elsewhere instead of non existing; also, it doesn't leave us necesarily without a god; a god could have created such a meterioite or life else where and perhaps even with intent of creating this, our earth. However, for how vast the universe is it is not inconcievable that the far reaches function in different ways then our own place; and could thus explain us. However; life here is fragile, can our fragile present be explained by an ancestor who crashed into the earths oceans and survived? this doese seem inconsistant... so while I kind of favor extraterrestial origins, it is far fetched and perhaps inconcievable too.... ask me tommmorow and I'll probably change my mind.

ofcourse, there is other explanations... that we live on the inside of a black hole or that our origins are in some other universe or whatnot. But it is all kind of sci fi Ish in the long run ... idunno... ive just been thinking about life more now

who knows how close I was to being in a vehicle explosion today;
I was riding shotgun with my brother driving his minivan; my nephew was in the back...

Pulling on to I94 my brother merged into trafic... a second later the van rode over a huge steal thing. We heard and felt a thud under the van... a second later the van stalled and everything reaked like gas...

The steal piece sliced my brothers gas tank completely in half and had been dragged a good 30 yards down the freeway... Surely there had to be plenty of sparks as steal brushed across the concrete that good of ignited the gasoline that spilled across the freeway; surely the release of pressure from the gas tank itself could of caused an explosion... What if an explosion had happened... would I of been able to survive? how about my brother and his child?

It is hard to say anyhing meaningful without resorting to meaningless cliches...

But damn I try; it gets to the point where cliche is a cliche...

Everyone views life dichotomously...
good and bad... dark and light... normal and abnormal...

But i kind of agree with Heraclitus... Opposites are actually synomonous.

It is normal to be unique and thus abnormal; so it must be abnormal to be normal...

I think the purist form of equality is when all people are treated as unequals. Don't be quick to reject that; it is actually an underlaying theme of libertarianism... just unpostulated...

As soon as we say we are to be treated as equals, that means our society is formitive...

We should have the right to be unequal and un catagorized and unformed... I should I have the right to be me; and that is completely different then what you are... you and I are completely Unequal...

to prove that you and I are created unequally let us consider...
you might be shorter then I am... you might have a different hair color... you might have different sexual organs or orientation, your genetics are different, you have a difference bone density then me, different skin pigmentation, different intellect, different interests, you have different parents, you were raised in a different famil and thus you have different social and psychological experiences, you have a radically different perspective then I do... why should we have been created equal? There is nothing equal among any of us... thus laws are applied unequally to us because they effect us in different ways, some laws are irreleveant to some and problematic for others... We seem to be struck by equal laws in unequal measures because of the rolling sentiment of the majority; sentiment will change, progress will be made but never for the better

well; i'd like to be a part of philosophy club but they scheduled it on WII bowling night... =(