My little boring stupid life

Self realization; I do not like anything.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:06:58 GMT

But to be fair, their is a romantic vision of something and actually liking something,,,

And I have been infatuated with many a romantic vision... only to fall victim to eye opening displeasure

Ok... So I am terrible at this

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:44:24 GMT

Its really hard for me to write lately... whether it is to vent in an online blog or to put together all the great literary work I have bubbling in my mind on paper... I have so little ambition... there is no drive to do anything... partly because i feel so abandoned. There are things I need ... and things I don't have... these things are the same things. Sigh. I might as well become a stoner... atleast I wont feel the pain of my life crumbling before my eyes... I looked for jobs... there is nothing out there... I looked for girls... there is none of them out there... i looked for ambiton, there is none of it out there...

Don't get me wrong life isn't physically bad in any way... but if we are to rate my over all quality of life, it would have to be the lowest rating possible... I get out of bed by 8... for no good reason, I sit at home with dad with no means for escape as he breaths cancer down my throught and bitches about every innocuous detail of life. I have no job... no girlfriend... my prospects of each are dimmer than ever... i don't even have the prospect of a casual rondeveux... im just me... stuck here... and though i am told i can leave, i remain unconvinced that I actually have any say in the matter...

Its perplexing... so many people like the person i am... or the persona they percieve in me. But they are hung up chasing phantoms instead of hearing me out... and whats to say this job search will be any different... an auto parts distribution center once said I was unqualified for heavens sake... this world is shit, life is shit... except for fear of the unknown I sometimes wonder why I bother taking my next breath... I pretty much hate life... But in me there is enough sanity to hope that I never overcome my great fear of death... Right now the only thing scarier than death is life... and people keep talking about this real world... as if there is one... she'll suck his dick for twenty, and that is what you think is reality... being a slut, corporate bitch because the rich have built a frame work of slavory around a greedy society... people mock the matrix... people mock 1984... but it sure seems like the world i live...

how can I enjoy life knowing it is so fake, contrived... controlled...
why should i want to do all the breahting... why should I care anymore? They fool us with words
words like reality...
the closest thing you know to reality... in as much as there is such things as 'realities' is dreamless slumber... an unsensed passing of duration--only even that though experiment is worthless...

fuck this all...
i wish they could here me and understand me... than maybe i wouldn't be so abandoned...
I don't even want to leave this room anymore...

the world is full of jokesters...
fuck your reality...
though for most of you reality is a simple matter fucking

what an ass you are for assuming I am naiver
don't pretend im blind anymore

you think im lazy
do you think I want this?

Not a second goes by without feeling like I should just start breaking things just to feel a little better...

not a second goes by without thinking about her...
thinking of her with another guy...
thinking of the one thing I had going for me... gone...

when ever will I be a priority again?

you want reality...
my reality is pain...
by the end of the day i feel like an old man who has had enough...
i feel like I have no more good stories left...
I feel like there is nothing to look forward to...
I feel like my life is done... except for the persistence of consciousness

I feel like I allowed myself to be dragged here against my will... and I don't even know how to walk anymore... because i never knew how in the first place... with the facade you gave me i looked like an able person... but with the crutch you gave me I never progressed...

i hate that I am writing this in a blog... even more abandoned than... I should me talking to a real person... but people are flakes...

fucking flakes...
grr...

I hate everything... understatement...

Self- Compromise

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:08:58 GMT

It is very troubling to see myself making compromises with myself-- as if to justify all that I have omitted of myself. As we get older it seems that society and life limits our ability to have a diverse life-- diverse hobbies and activities. We are so geared into funneling everyone's efforts into a single point focus. All other actions must subside to one aspect; but this aspect is usually purely functional-- something that allows us to function. What kind of life is the functional life? One that works; works in the functional sense-- work in the job sense. 9-5 during the week, and the weekend comes-- we'd rather drown the pain of such a miserable existence than find something else to do.

Enjoyment is sucked out of us in the name of productivity. Americans are the among the hardest working countries in the western world; some have all this money for all these luxuries they never use. Let us pause and reflect upon all the fantastic boats anchored indefinitely in driveways everywhere, all the vacant campers sitting in a campground somewhere, all the big screen tv's and video games that watch our houses as we waste away in some job we hate, all the memories of a youthful existence of creative play, sports, and what appears like emotional freedom from this side of the adolescent bridge-- a one way bridge into a grim world full of nostalgia.

Slowly we drop one thing than another-- there are those among us who would suggest we drop activities that are not very important to us; but I know this is not the case at all. A we get older we are taught to invest more time into work with very little intrinsic value; as our school years increase so does our work load. We go from reading 4 books a semester to reading 4 books a week; not to mention the complexity of said material also increases. By the time one successfully leaves our education system they have been conditioned to work their ass of and not find it to be an extreme oddity; which it is not odd to us, it is our cultural norm. Some of us start to question if we have any intrinsic motivation anymore-- or is it all external-- am I simply reacting to the drive of succeeding our cultural standards-- a status quo? Is that really what I see the point of life as? No,

I see my mom as the primary example of someone who has become simply a pawn to functionality. She loves us all dearly and tries to make our life better, but by doing this she hates her life. She has a job that she hates, but she is trapped into it because she has very low bargaining power for a better job. Thus, she is wasting away a lot of good precious time-- (the most valuable thing a person has) in exchange for the ability to pay a mortgage, groceries and fill her car with gas so she can drive to work the next day. It is essentially mechanical, only human beings become cogs. The professional world is trying to rid us of fickle things like emotions-- the only thing that reminds us that we are actually alive.

But there is a lot of steps from one end of the funnel to the other; already i see my life taking such form and it worries me; I have always been a jack of all trades and I have never wanted to master one. Unfortunately, a person who is good at many things and who is great at nothing does not fit the mold of a happy or successful person in our society. I see the toll this sentiment has had on me. Already I have lost drawing, organized baseball, basketball, football etc... I have compromised with bar league sports, but it is incomparable. It shares some of the same aesthetics with real sports-- but its facade is very hollow. I am losing camping and fishing more and more all the time-- I have lost friends-- I have lost so much with very little in return-- i still have a ways to go before I end up as a purely functional piece in society, but i feel the pressures pushing me. I still feel resistant, but I am just as much societies bitch as everyone else-- at the end of the day I want to live, and no one lets you make the rules until you have mastered the pre-existing rules and illustrate that they are flawed. This being said, our society does not have to be the way it is-- if people were not so conditioned to this one sentiment, they would see there is at least some truth behind what Marx has suggested-- no i don't believe in a Marxist utopia, but there ought not be such a vast majority of people who lack such a vast majority of power, who live such miserable lives, who sometimes regret waking up one more day.

Thoughts noone will hear because noone cares

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:49:57 GMT

It occurred to me today that I had not updated my LJ with a solid entry in a very long time. I think part of it is knowing there really isn't anyone out there following my blog like there used to be, which is maybe better; I have gotten away from the very thing I set out to do when I started this blog, and that is to clear my mind and extrapolate upon all of the ideas that drown my consciousness throughout the course of the day; mainly I have always hoped to be authentic and perhaps illuminate some incite for myself-- with no consideration of the reader... there have been times when i consciously treated my blog like a performance art; and that is not a very productive way to go about blogging now that I have had time to think it over. With that said I need to catch up on the things that currently ail me-- since nothing ever seems to go right for me...

My life is very stagnant right now. This is the first year I am not returning to that joke they call education. I am done with college-- I have yet to be sweet talked into grad school or law school... options that are sitting out there, tempting only because i have no where else to turn. I was very sad today, when i realized its just me here, and I am not in school anymore. I have no job... I hardly have friends anymore; because i don't call them and i hate text messaging. The only single girl I think I could 'love' is half way around the world and I am probably one of the furthest things from her mind. I get the feeling that nobody really likes me... not like people used to like me. I don't get what I did wrong in life but I truly fucked up somewhere; I simply am not happy.

Part of this angst is just being at this age; where kids my age are married and have kids--- i feel so young, but I know that if I am alone for too much longer I might just end up alone forever. Life is flying by so quickly; and I feel like the best is gone. Tonight I took advantage of the beautiful weather and went for a little walk, by myself-- as always. I ended up going to the baseball field just across the adjacent street-- i walked around the bases, stood on the mound, stood at home plate... and just thought about how I was a good baseball player back in the day-- now I am more talented then I was back then but I can't ever go back to those days... fuck I am only 22, turning 23 in December; I am pretty much in the prime of my athleticism-- but something keeps nagging at me... "its over mike, just deal with it like everyone else"... go get a job and shut the fuck up. Sigh... I worry that If i don't quickly find a job I'll be financially screwed for ever; yet, if I do get a job right now my life will be nothing but pointless pain and misery. It's like being hung in a noose-- I will either take the plunge and lose all dignity or I will stand up forever in what I believe in and starve to death and suffer because of the small platform I have and the rope tightening around my throat. I could gag just thinking about a 40 hour work week; already I hear the seasoned vets in the cubic trenches mocking me for complaining about the utter uselessness that a work a day life style is; but it is really the bane of existence... to live for the big guy as a means to his end... how futile can one be? Sigh.

I've been trying to write music... but I know my lyrics are mute... and that music is turning more and more into a hopeless endeavor as well. I am starting to realize I have lost about everything that was me, and I am hollow ghost of everything I was; I am starting to realize I fell into the same well as all of those people I critiqued. I am starting to realize I am nothing anymore; dirt. Sight.

I kind of take care of the gardens, and it gives me something to hold on to, kind of like a grudge, or a memory. I sow the ground with nostalgic remorse-- my mind is in high school with all the kids I knew... who haven't thought about me in years. Almost 4.5 years... the 5 year re union is almost here. In my mind we are all still there together... but really I am the only one.

I am starting to feel like I need to do something absolutely crazy; visit a third world country, ride my bike across the country, walk around lake superior; something... but I don't know how to break myself out of this rut... I wish the she among so many her nots would jump out and save me from my own tears of monotony.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 05:42:06 GMT

i am helplessly pensive...

what more can I say...

the urge to leave the proverbial nest

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:14:19 GMT

i am in no position to...
but i desire to leave my parents house...
I desire to drive...

I desire to ... sigh
but will she ever want to love me the way I once imagined she could?

...

it is raining now... which is good, my vegetables were virgins to the rain until yesterday
...

my thoughts run rampid...

I wait... in a silent solitude and dream... but what am I waiting for... who is she... what is she going to do to the thing that is me when she comes...

when will the stars fall from the sky?
when will the rain wash away my mind

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 19:33:59 GMT

curiosity prevails

intrigue, inspired by inspiration

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:50:34 GMT

I have to say, just maybe the stars are right... just maybe they ought not move-- but who am I to read the cosmos-- who am I to tell these horoscopes, who am I to think this may be some good news?

I am plagued by thoughts; good, bad, sometimes scary...

chess pawns moved into the sacrificial position; but it is not yet known whether the game has a winner...

the stars tilt... just slightly; and all could be lost... all could evaporate... like a vague memory... like the storybook day i could have lived if I had only known...

but now the star light, spatial might shall spread across the mental capacity like santa... like scoo

relief comes with a sigh of its own.

to shun

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:17:59 GMT

plants to plant I think, and fish to bury...
noone shall know what it is I think
noone shall under stand

I am what a willow would do in the wind
waver in passivity, but I still stand strong for that is what I know
I will not fall,

without hope

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 02:26:17 GMT

i stumble... on this thought, Im a wreck, a guilty wreck... because of fairy weaves... sweet fairy waves. You should know that sanity is temporal... so is thought... but this desire burns on and on....

what gets me is you pretend that it was nothing... you pretend that you didn't want I want... but I know you are lying to yourself... out of guilt... out of some thing you think you need to do...
I heard you tell me the truth once...

that was nice
why the lies
why the forced separation
why did you stop caring?
I used to mean something...

its hard for me to get passed it... because I dont understand it...
sigh... i know its my problem... i just dont understand... thats what i need help with

Updating... the truth... old news.

Sat, 30 May 2009 13:54:31 GMT

I should prolly not even pretend otherwise. I have Only seen glimpses of peace, and there has been only one connection between each... her... sigh.

It is what I imagine being on meth is like... the meth increases the chemical in the brain that is responsible for the sensation of euphoria; but when it where's off it makes the addict depressed because it experienced such a high level of bliss that the brain literally does not know how to be happy with out meth...

do you know what it is like to be awestruck every time I see her? Does anyone know what it is like to know the lady of your dreams... but to be left to your dreams, your imagination... sigh. When I watch her drive away, I can only think of what luck other guys must have to be in her arms, in her mind, amid her priorities. I would trade them the winning power ball numbers If I had it... they have the very thing I have always been addicted to...

how dare I ever think otherwise... as time meanders away, and this thought fades, I start to think in other ways until the sun rises again. I am reminded of peace, tranquility-- I am reminded of the closest thing I have ever been able to label as 'happiness'. This is where I know Logic is futile, where it becomes a wordless wonder-- awe at the very spectacle... the aura my eyes drape around her as if she was behind the church alter staring back like divinity herself.

Telling me that there is other fish in the sea is like suggesting to a devote Muslim that there are other viable religions... One does not believe through rational means; ones heart and I eyes are not rational... the premise, other fish in the sea, is irrelevant to everything.

But maybe I am too... Just irrelevant to everything.
Sigh.

F Dat Flippen Fu Turd

Tue, 12 May 2009 15:19:14 GMT

What has happened is nothing
a great nothing...

Yet everyone is celebratory for nothing
a great nothing...

They get pissed when I say it was nothing...
Fuck them.

I see something more intrinsically honest about the whole process...
its dumb
its fucked up...
arbitrary...

But so many has accepted lime green as the only shade of reality, that lime green has become reality...

its not. The Universe is vacant of such nonesense, such social imperatives.
If only you could understand that it isn't sophistry...
it is the very air you breath that bleeds like wounded prey. It is the hindered oxygen in your blood, it is the tainted love you make. What a creation man has bestowed upon himself... what a story... what a think, if only the creator could see what monster has bee created-- then maybe a person could stop lieng to themselves. Once you understand you have created it, then you can see lime green for what it is... in the purest sense imaginable. It is just as much subjective rubbish as anything else you may have to offer. So fuck off.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:30:32 GMT

im tired of not telling everything I want to...
I think all night long about how I am going to have the courage to face the posibility of rejection

every time it comes to the moment, the fear seeps in
I walk away.

With certitude I know I wont be rejected--
with certitude I know I wont be happy...

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:32:43 GMT

My history thesis is catastrophic... I worked on it for 4 days straight... about 10 hours a day it is still a mess... an explosion of unclear thinking... sigh... an hour of peer evaluations is going to be embarrassing.

April is coming to kill me

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:37:42 GMT

the next month will be brutal...

I want to stay out in the woods where I belong... Like today for instance...
but no... I have to be hear...
At the flippeen library
doing ducking research...

sucky

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:56:23 GMT

I hate school
I am tired

Fuck...

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:03:53 GMT

I am dead...

like a log rotting-- a cadaver impaled...

my eyes gaze without capture

dead

fuck!

You'd think I could fake a breath...
You'd think I could fake a smile...
Like you, I could fake my love and believe myself...
... This fake ideal
Fuck

I can only hope I learn at my ripe age; the wiley wisdom of child.
If only my world was so naive...
back in the days when i didn't know that I was such an intolerable cud

I hate everything I am...
I miss me...
the me burried on the corner of age and santiy

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:23:19 GMT

i am terrible
...
if only you knew...
if you only you wanted to know what I really thought.
If I actually wanted to know what you really thought

why must even the closest of friends bite their lip-- put up a front... live under facades and egos. why must the most distant of people judge our performance

whats it matter?

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:10:35 GMT

In one placce I see a girl, i think she's cute, she knows her stuff-- in another place there is another girl; she is pretty and smart-- in another place another girl. Its all an accident of place and time; it is all a matter of perception and has nothing to do with anything real.

I see her as pretty-- but pretty is not a quality she has; it is a function of my understanding not her being.

I fear that, because i think i mean it when I tell a girl she is beautiful-- but All am really saying is I think she is beautiful-- this infact does not mean she is pretty-- sorry ladies.

However, it doesn't matter to me-- i have convinced my self-- this much is irrational and emotional... When I say you are beautiful, i am being sincere towards my concept of you-- but i don't know if I am being fair to you as a person... because there is not an objective beauty that you are or are not... only this subjective idea...

So sorry, but no girl is beautiful. The fact that I think otherwise doesn't give beauty ontological grounding. The fact that I am totally awestruck with desire and lust doesn't say anything about you, rather it says something about me. Namely I am a person who finds you desirable-- but you are not in fact desirable, for desirability is not self sufficient, it requires an object and one to assess its value-- in this case value is personal. How selfish it seems, you are desirable to me-- what a crime I express

I think of there hers amid the her nots, how they are tied to a man on the base assumptions that he is nice an 'loves' them-- when honestly they are being quite selfish-- and in fact ladies, you are being selfish-- but, when people can be selfish and not resent each other than they are in a winning situation-- the selfishness is tacit, hidden. You shovel it under the rugg; it is still their flourishing, you selfish bastard-- but so long as all is peaceful you become on aware of your hideous crimes.

With this i stand in perplexity-- if in her I desire, how should I act? Should i be selfish like everyone else and attempt to claim direct dominion over her livlihood; or should i remain myself... by myself; knowing fully well that no girl acts in a way that could benifet a non-selfish me...

I've seen every girl I have ever liked in the arms of another beast because of my prudence... yes beast... all of us are quite bestial; but you like the blindness you have achieved. You don't think of him as a beast, he doesn't think of you as a beast-- but it is a matter of perception-- it is a great deception-- he is your toy, you are is idea-- niether of you are the same thing to each other. You are a means--

I never wanted the hers to be a means-- but there seams to be no other way--

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:02:07 GMT

Go to Google.
Type ' needs'
List the top ten things that come up

google search: Mike Needs

1.Mike needs a date
2.Mike needs a light-razoring
3.Mike needs to get a clue
4.Mike needs a Wii
5.Mike needs Sarah
6.Mike needs a new avatar
7.Mike needs to update his myspace profile and pics
8.Mike needs your help
9.Mike Needs Dave's help
10.Mike Needs a heart

google search Mr. emms needs (only 1 came up)

1.mr. emms needs some practice at sayin ur name

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:44:28 GMT

If I was handsome I could totally be an actor

oober nostalgia...

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 04:55:27 GMT

tonight my dad kept puttin on home videos--

me when i was really young--
I was so... free spirited...
I was so... uninhibited--

I was me...

What I am now is what happens when you run a sharp object into a blunt surface too many times...

I became dull...
I became dim...

It is only with half a heart theat I get out of bed...
Being awake used to be great...
Sleep used to be a waste of time...
now sleep is salvation.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 04:32:14 GMT

i just need someone to rant to who will listen... who wont be annoyed... who wants to hear me out.

I wonder what happened to all those who said they cared...
I knew i couldn't trust them.

Fuck them anyway...
They think there in a different globe...
they think there so big

I wonder how long it will take for their spirits to be broken...
I will laugh...
they don't know what it is like...

they have no grasp...
when they are dismissed and discarded like i have been... then they will understand...

Oh pretty girl... you lost everything but your looks...

i hope your fake life fits you you well...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:57:52 GMT

what the hell am I supposed to do for Cuba Night?

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:37:56 GMT

... shit!!!